Too Good to Be True
Also By Cliff Cardinal
Huff & Stitch
Too Good to be True
Cliff Cardinal
Playwrights Canada Press
Toronto
Too Good to be True © Copyright 2021 by Cliff Cardinal
First edition: January 2022
Jacket art by Dan Springer
Playwrights Canada Press
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Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Title: Too good to be true / Cliff Cardinal.
Names: Cardinal, Cliff, author.
Description: A play.
Identifiers: Canadiana (print) 20210343346 | Canadiana (ebook) 20210343362
| ISBN 9780369102904 (softcover) | ISBN 9780369102911 (PDF)
| ISBN 9780369102928 (HTML)
Classification: LCC PS8605.L5574 T66 2021 | DDC C812/.6—dc23
Playwrights Canada Press operates on land which is the ancestral home of the Anishinaabe Nations (Ojibwe / Chippewa, Odawa, Potawatomi, Algonquin, Saulteaux, Nipissing, and Mississauga), the Wendat, and the members of the Haudenosaunee Confederacy (Mohawk, Oneida, Onondaga, Cayuga, Seneca, and Tuscarora), as well as Metis and Inuit peoples. It always was and always will be Indigenous land.
We acknowledge the financial support of the Canada Council for the Arts, the Ontario Arts Council (OAC), Ontario Creates, and the Government of Canada for our publishing activities.
For Tantoo and Riel.
Too Good to be True was first produced by Video Cabaret in Toronto from April 29 to May 19, 2019, with the following cast and creative team:
Maria: Cheri Maracle
Jude: Ryan Cunningham
Lisa: Patti Shaughnessy
Director: Cliff Cardinal
Lighting Design: Andrew Dollar
Costume Design: Sage Paul
Dramaturgy: Brian Drader and Deanne Taylor
Characters
Maria: thirties, mom to Lisa and Jude.
Lisa: fifteen, daughter to Maria, sister to Jude.
Jude: eleven, son of Maria, brother to Lisa.
Prologue
Maria: Shh.
Kids, wait there.
Lisa: Mom, where are we?
Maria: Shh.
Beat.
Jude: What’s going on, Mom?
Beat.
Maria: The realtor said she hid the key under a rock; but you know what, she must have forgot.
I’m gonna have to just . . .
Maria exits.
Glass shatters.
Lisa: Mom.
The lock clicks open.
Beat.
Scene I: New Digs
Maria is holding a “For Sale” sign.
Maria: Come on in, kids.
Beat.
Welcome home.
Jude: Whoa.
This house is awesome.
Beat.
Lisa: Sure is.
Beat.
Jude: If there’s a top bunk, can I have dibs?
Beat.
Lisa: Mom, who lives here?
Beat.
Maria: We do.
Beat.
Lisa: We do.
Maria: We do.
Lisa: Whoa, no way.
Beat.
Maria is carrying as much baggage as she can, and then a little bit more.
Maria: This is your house, honey.
Lisa: Wow.
Mom . . . seriously.
Maria: Seriously.
Beat.
Lisa: Well . . . whose furniture is this?
Beat.
Maria: Ours.
Beat.
Jude: Awesome.
Beat.
Maria: The house is staged.
The realtor brings in sparse bits of furniture so families can project their own hopes and dreams.
Can you feel the warmth?
Lisa: Yeah.
I can.
Jude: We’re like those families on Home Makeover.
Beat.
Maria: Yeah.
Beat.
Jude: Where their house is broken, but the production company shows up and gives them an amazing new house that they didn’t really earn, but you feel like they deserve anyway.
Beat.
Maria: Our house is not broken.
Jude: Our house is a van.
Beat.
Lisa: Mom, we really live here.
Maria: Yes.
Beat.
I mean the paperwork isn’t finished yet.
Beat.
But we live here now.
Beat.
Jude: The fridge has a built-in icemaker.
Lisa: When till the paperwork is done?
Jude: The coffee maker has a frothing wand.
Lisa: When till the mortgage is paid?
Jude: There’s a bathroom.
Beat.
Lisa: When— There is?
Beat.
Maria: Nothing too good for my kids.
Beat.
Lisa: But how can we afford this?
Beat.
Maria: I didn’t want you to find out like this.
Maria rolls her shoulders.
Thunder and lightning.
But houses are inexpensive if a horrific tragedy occurs inside.
Beat.
Like if an entire family is stabbed to death as they sleep.
Beat.
Or if they commit mass suicide by imbibing a mixture of cyanide, tranquilizers and Kool-Aid.
Beat.
Or even if somebody leaves the gas stove on and everybody asphyxiates face down in steaming bowls of oatmeal.
Lisa: But hmm . . .
Beat.
Maria: It’s terrible when that happens.
Beat.
But the upside is: these houses become very affordable.
Lisa: But hmm . . .
Jude touches his penis.
Maria: Do you have to pee?
Beat.
Jude: No.
Maria: Then stop touching your penis.
Jude: I’m not touching my penis.
Beat.
Oh, yeah.
Beat.
Lisa: So, if we live here, is he going back to school?
Maria: Yes.
Beat.
Eventually.
Beat.
Lisa: If he doesn’t go to school, everyone will think we’re inbred.
Beat.
Jude: How come only I have to go to school?
How come she doesn’t have to go back to school?
Beat.
Maria: Your sister’s gonna have a full-time job as a mom.
Beat.
And also she must take time to find healing.
Beat.
Honey, after what you’ve been through, you can’t expect to—
Lisa: So you’re going to home-school him.
Maria: Yes.
Beat.
Home-school.
Home-school on the fly.
Beat.
Lisa: Is there an official paper you’re supposed to get?
Maria: We don’t need some paper that shows how smart we are.
Jude: Colleges might.
Beat.
Maria: Haven’t you been learning a lot.
Beat.
All that history, at those national monuments.
All that math, calculating the miles to the next hotel.
Beat.
I’ve taught you both how to drive.
Beat.
You wouldn’t have learned that in fourth grade.
Beat.
Now, for the first lesson in the great Maria Grace home-school experiment: living every day like it’s the last episode of the season.
Beat.
Jude: Whoa, awesome.
The last episode of the season is where the whole world almost falls apart but then the hero risks it all to save what he cares about most.
Beat.
Maria: That’s right.
Beat.
Maria: I’ve still got a few more tricks to show you.
Then we’ll go back to school.
Beat.
Jude: I have a question I’ve been meaning to ask you.
Beat.
Maria: Let the home-schooling begin.
Beat.
Jude: What’s a fugitive?
Beat.
Beat.
Beat.
Maria: A fugitive is someone who wants to clear their name.
Beat.
Jude: That’s not what she said.
She said a fugitive is someone who everyone is chasing because they want to know all about you.
Beat.
Lisa: That’s celebrities . . . not fugitives.
&nb
sp; Beat.
Jude: What’s the difference between fugitives and celebrities?
Beat.
Maria: Public opinion.
Beat.
Jude: Hmm . . .
Beat.
Lisa: Mom, I need to know, no kidding: is this our—
Maria: Yes.
Why do you keep asking me that?
Lisa: It just seems . . .
Doesn’t it?
Jude: What?
Beat.
Lisa: A little too good to be true.
Beat.
Jude: Nope.
Beat.
Maria: Honey, nothing is too good for you.
Beat.
Now grab the rest of your stuff.
Rock music.
Jude exits.
Lisa exits.
Maria exits.
Beat.
Lisa moves a suitcase into the bedroom, off.
Jude moves a suitcase into the bedroom, off.
Jude enters smoking a joint.
Beat.
Lisa enters with a box.
Jude gives the joint to Lisa, takes a box and exits.
Lisa smokes the joint.
Maria enters.
Lisa gives the joint to Maria and exits.
Maria smokes the joint.
Jude enters with a frilly valise.
Maria takes the frilly valise, hands Jude the joint and exits.
Jude smokes the joint.
The lights fade out.
Scene II: Schrödinger
Beat.
Lisa: When the baby comes, can we put the crib right here?
Beat.
Maria: Have you thought about baby names?
Lisa: If it’s a girl, I was thinking . . . Jennifer Lopez.
Beat.
Maria: If he’s a boy?
Lisa: Um . . .
Beat.
Maria: It must be hard to think about, because you were hurt.
Beat.
But you’re safe now, honey.
No one’s ever gonna touch you again, no ma’am.
Lisa: Mom, listen . . .
Maria: Yes, honey, yes: I’m listening.
Beat.
Beat.
Lisa: Uh . . . never mind.
Beat.
Jude enters with an empty cat carrier.
Lisa: What?
Jude: I-I . . . I forgot the cat—
Beat.
At the motel.
Beat.
I forgot the cat.
Beat.
Lisa: You lost the cat.
Beat.
Jude: I let her out for some air and this girl started talking to me.
Beat.
Maria: What girl?
Beat.
Jude: (to Maria) Then you called . . .
I forgot to bring her back.
Maria: Who did you talk to?
Lisa: You lost our cat?
Jude: Oh no oh no oh no . . .
Beat.
Maria: Baby, focus.
Beat.
Jude: Can we go back?
Maria: No, that motel is—
Did they seem like they knew you?
Jude: You know, she did.
Beat.
Maria: Did you tell her your name?
Jude: I said Jude.
I didn’t say my last name.
Beat.
Lisa: Idiot.
Beat.
Maria: What else did you say?
Beat.
Jude: Just that our old life wasn’t fair; so we’re looking for a new one.
Like you said.
Beat.
Maria: Like I said . . .
I said “don’t talk to anyone.”
Beat.
Remember.
Don’t talk to anyone.
Don’t talk in front of anyone.
And if someone talks to you first—
Jude: Tell them I don’t speak English.
Beat.
Lisa: You weeping colon.
Jude: Wart sucker.
Lisa: Facial cyst.
Jude: Goat molester.
Lisa: Sexual deviant.
Jude: Depraved swine.
Lisa: Dingleberry.
Jude: Scabie.
Lisa: Glue sniffer.
Jude: Oozing pustule.
Lisa: Future pedophile.
Beat.
Maria: Enough now; he knows what he’s done.
You can’t make him feel worse.
Lisa: I can make him feel worse.
Beat.
You’re adopted.
Jude: You smell cat’s a—
Maria: I didn’t want you to find out like this.
Maria rolls her shoulders.
Thunder and lightning.
Lisa: / Huh. /
Jude: / Find out what. /
Beat.
Maria: You’re adopted.
Beat.
Lisa: / He is? /
Jude: / I am? /
Beat.
Maria: I’m afraid so, baby.
Beat.
Lisa snickers.
Jude: Wait . . . I’m not your son?
Beat.
Maria: Baby . . . you were a UNICEF baby.
Lisa: Huh.
Beat.
Maria: I was watching TV one night, and I saw your emaciated little body.
Beat.
Jude: What?
Beat.
Maria: Emaciated.
Beat.
Lisa: Wow, that’s terrible.
Jude: Wow, that’s total bull—
Maria: Sure is.
Beat.
Then I found out . . . that . . . they sell these kids.
Beat.
Once you turned three, they’d’ve sold you to rebels . . . who’d’ve conditioned you into a child soldier.
Beat.
Lisa: Amazing story, Mom.
Beat.
Maria: I did what any compassionate human being would do: I stole you.
Beat.
I wrapped you up and carried you away.
Beat.
Lisa: How’d you get him past the customs agent?
Beat.
Maria: Great question, honey.
I blew him.
Beat.
Lisa: Huh?
Jude: What?
Beat.
Maria: When the customs agent interrogated me, I performed oral—
Lisa: Fine, you’re not adopted.
Beat.
Jude: So, wait, are you my mother?
Maria: You gotta quit telling your brother he’s adopted.
Beat.
You’re gonna mess that kid up.
Beat.
Jude: What’s the real story?